I guess the fact of the matter is, I am sad. I feel broken. I pray constantly. God is probably tired of hearing me call on him. I’m so torn and conflicted by the things that are racing through my mind at all hours of the day and night. I don’t sleep. My mind stays running, like I wish I would have done that night. I wish I would have just left. There is no easy fix. There are no right answers. I always thought that if someone hurt you enough, it would be a piece of cake to just turn around and walk away. So God, I ask you, why? why am I sitting here wishing, wanting? Hoping. I should be furious. I should be hateful. I should be angry. Instead, I’m just sad. Nothing makes sense. And I don’t know what bugs me most? Is it having to go home and knowing I will be walking into an empty house? Is it looking around at the home we have made for the last seven years and wondering, where the hell did it all go wrong? Is it not knowing how he is feeling and knowing that I am feeling an immense pain of loss and loneliness? There are so many questions that I need answered. I just don’t know where to find those answers. And who’s to say that if I do find those answers that it is going to give me any resolve. No one knows or understands how I am feeing. I can’t get those pictures out of my head. I try, but they are embedded in there.
I can’t stop wondering at what point did my life really start to fall apart? I feel like deep down I know when it was. I could see the changes. I could feel them. I just didn’t want to admit it. Maybe it was my fault. Even though I felt like I was making a conscious effort to do better… I felt like I was trying and he just quit. I’ve said it before. No one is perfect. Even though he seemed to think that I thought I was better than every one else, I never really felt that way about myself. Maybe I had to give off that vibe in order for me to feel better about myself. I know there are things wrong with me. I know I’m not perfect. But I also know that I love him like I have loved no other. I can admit that I have always been afraid of losing him. Even in the very beginning. That’s how I knew that I had really found a real love, and in the pit of my stomach, I was waiting for karma to step in and take it all away from me, for the poor choices I have made in life. It all comes back around. I know this. I guess I had always been waiting for it. I thought maybe I had somehow managed to escape its cruel punishment, but no. Karma found me. And karma got me good.
Everybody keeps saying that I can’t expect things to get better right away. I’m going to feel like this for awhile, but somethings got to give. I shouldn’t, but I miss… Maybe I shouldn’t even finish that sentence. He was my soul mate. He was my true love, even if I wasn’t really his….. As different as we are, I pictured my life with him… to the end. Maybe that was foolish. For me to think that with such an age difference and so many other things stacked against us that we really could have pulled it off. Maybe. Maybe I needed to try harder. Maybe I’ll just never know….
Maybe I’ll figure it out. Maybe I’m not meant to. In the meantime, I have to just remember to breathe.