….And so it goes….

Life that is. It’s funny when you think about it. You always assume your life is going to work out one way and then one day it doesn’t. I thought I knew better than to count on anything. Somewhere along the way I let stupid in and lost myself. It’s the same old story. Girl meets boy. Girl loses all sense of self. Only problem is, this time, girl grew up quicker than boy. It probably happens in most cases but now it’s different. Things are different. What I once thought was my forever is fading. It’s fading so fast that it’s all a blur. Every time we fight, I lose a little piece of us. A piece of my heart that was once reserved for us forever is no more. Things will never be the same. I don’t know if it’s just been one argument too many, or too many hurtful things said, or not enough change to fix the problem. Maybe it’s the “I didn’t realize there was even a problem.” I have been living blindly … oblivious, unaware that my supposed other half was unhappy. Funny how that works. We once had such an open communication in our relationship. Or at least I thought we did. I guess that was the trick to it working out. I thought we were happy, unbeknownst to me that he was having all sorts of issues. He was letting them all bubble up deep down inside. And not for nothing but I guess subconsciously I have also been keeping things to myself. Maybe it’s the selfish me. Maybe the it’s controlling me… since I seem to be both of those. I’m not sure what hurts the most, hearing those things, or finally just admitting that I probably am… and it’s time to move on. I’m getting older. I don’t have time for games. I don’t want to play them. I wanted to find my forever person. But as time goes on, I am starting to realize that he doesn’t exist. I guess this is enough for now. I’m sure tomorrow will bring on a whole other slew of emotions to write about… so until then…. Goodnight….

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Taking One For the Team

Good morning bloggers! It has been a while since I last posted. The last year has been an incredibly busy one. I started working again. Only to find that I am not cut out for this job. It once seemed like a good idea. It once seemed like a passion of mine, but a few years later and a few years to grow and I have realized that I was not cut from the “educators” mold. While I have enjoyed the last few months, I do not think I will be returning next year. The school year has also been incredibly busy with graduation soon approaching and my fortuitous luck to be the parent of a graduating senior of the class of 2014. It’s funny, we wait all their lives for them to be 18 and for this wonderful momentous day to arrive but then when it really does get here, we start to stress and we start to feel the pressure of having a young adult upon us. If I can just give you one piece of advice, if you have children, start saving now because senior year will sneak up on you and rip your bank account in two. If I had better prepared myself for this one single year, I might not be so stressed at this point.

But I digress, and life goes on. I have a few more days of the stress of graduation to deal with not to mention to flowing of family that will be making its way to my neck of the woods, when my mother decides to drop a bomb on me so huge that it could wipe out the southern hemisphere. Ok, so that could be reaching a little into the over dramatic, but none the less, the bomb was dropped. After 40 years of marriage, my mom wants to leave my father. I can’t say that I am at all surprised. I mean, this isn’t something that I never saw coming. My mom had not been happy in their marriage for a very long time. There was actually a time when I had begged and pleaded with my mom to leave him. So there is a history. Do I fault my mother for finally coming to the realization that she deserves to have a life? No, I can’t say that I do. For too many years, I tried to make her understand that she was either going to have to let go of the past or let go of the life that she had grown so accustomed to. It was never easy for her. I spent a lot of time growing up trying to understand her. I also spent a lot of time hating my father, and then later trying to rebuild a relationship with him thinking that things could change and we could be a regular family. Unfortunately, it seems that you can not teach an old dog new tricks. Maybe this is just the way it’s supposed to be. I keep thinking to myself, why couldn’t she have just left when we were kids. It might have been easier. I can’t understand why I feel like it’s worse now to know that my family is breaking up. Is it possible that it is harder to understand when we are older? And why is it that my mom thinks that I will be ok. She’s more worried for my brother and how he will deal with it, but knows that I will handle it and “be ok”. Really mom? I guess all my years of burying my feelings way down deep has paid off so that the rest of the world just believes that I don’t feel anything anymore. Maybe that’s why my kids think they can be brutally honest with me and not think twice about hurting my feelings because hey! Mom doesn’t have any.

I feel like I am in a no win situation here. I will have to buck up and put on my big girl panties and try not to break down for just one more week. And that week will turn into a month, and then a year. I will just bottle up my feelings and carry on.

Hope everyone has a wonderful week!

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Plight of the 17 Year Old

Some days I think to myself, how did I ever make it this far? I have to ask my mom how she ever managed to get through my formidable “wonder” years. As I recall, I didn’t think I had such a bad time. I went through the occasional break up, the really big fight with my best friend, and the drop in my school work as I was crushing over the newest guy. All in all, it seemed like a normal path for any regular teenager growing up in the 90’s.

Fast forward a few years. I am now the mother and my daughter is the teenager. On the one hand I feel pretty blessed because we have such an open relationship, she feels like she can trust me with anything. We can sit and dish about things going on in her life and she doesn’t feel like she has to be sneaking around to do things. I feel that I can trust her to have good judgment, the way my parents did with me. Though I didn’t always make the right choices, I made them where it counted. I see a lot of myself in my daughter. This is where the conflict begins. All her life, she has always been told that she is a mirror image of me. Maybe as a child, we resembled each other, but as the years have passed, we no longer share too many of the same characteristics. Still, people never fail to say “Wow! You look just like your mom!” A phrase that she has grown to hate. What’s even worse is that the similarities don’t stop there. As much as she hates to hear it, her attitude resembles mine in so many ways it is scary.

This is why it is so hard for me to understand her reasoning sometimes. She thinks that I tell her things to keep her from enjoying herself or to shelter her from the outside world but in reality all I am trying to do is offer my advice on my own personal experiences. I guess at 17 I was the same and thought I knew everything. You would be hard pressed to try and tell me anything because I had all the answers. I guess that is where I have to learn to take a step back and let her find out for herself. It isn’t always easy being a parent. We want our kids to grow up independent and wise to the dangers of the world but we also want to keep them from making the same mistakes we once made ourselves.

When I look back on my relationship with my own mom, I remember having those head butting moments when I would stomp off to my bedroom and slam my door. That is until my mom got wise and had my door removed to teach me a lesson. It worked! When my daughter and I have a disagreement, she does the same thing, she walks away, muttering something under her breath, because like me she always has to have the last word, then slams the door shut as that one final shot. Sometimes I smile, remembering my own stubborn ways. Sometimes I want to run to my own room and slam my door but then I remember that I’m the mom and stooping to that level is pretty much unacceptable. I try really hard to remember how hard it can be to be 17. I force myself to remember everything that I went through and I take a deep breath. As hard as it seems to raise a teenager in this day and age, I feel like I have done a pretty good job. Next year she’ll be starting college and she may or may not choose to live away from us. I hope she’ll still feel the need to sit down and talk with her old mom. I know that as the years go on, she’ll realize that I knew what I was talking about and she’ll learn the humble words “You were right”. It will take some time, but she’ll get there. In the meantime, I will deal with the plight of the 17 year old and remember, I was 17 once too!

Thanks for reading!

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Attack of the Insomnia

I sometimes struggle with a little thing called insomnia. I have not quite figured out what the cause of my insomnia is. It seems to strike at random times. Sometimes I am stressed, but sometimes things seem just as normal as can be. But I when I get into bed, and turn the light off, I lay there, eyes wide open, tossing and turning to find a comfortable spot. Fighting with the sheets, am I hot? Am I cold? Nothing seems to make sense. I can’t shut my mind off. I’ve tried all sorts of methods to help me sleep, and they sometimes work for awhile, but the novelty always wears off and I find myself back to square one, looking out into the darkness of my room. Sometimes it only last a short while, sometimes it can last into the wee hours of the night. It makes it hard to wake up spry and cheery and ready to take on the day when you feel as though you have only gotten but a few minutes of shut eye.

As it were, I will try to complete the tasks of the day and do so without biting anyone’s head off. Just a little insomniac humor. 🙂

Hope everyone has a terrific Tuesday!

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Onward and Upward….

So I reached another small milestone today. I turned another year older and like I said, I wasn’t going to sit around and wallow in my self pity over having to go through a process that no matter how we try to stifle, is going to happen. I came to a rather sad realization today though that got me to thinking. I spoke with my ex husband, not a ritual I engage much these days. As our lives have grown in different directions, we have finally become the stereo-typical dvorced couple that now only communicates with each other when it comes to dealing with our children. For the general public that probably seems like a normal reaction to being divorced, but to know us, you would think otherwise. After my divorce, my ex and I remained close, even living together for nearly five years. We still did everything together, probably confusing people for the most part. For whatever reason, the situation worked for us at the time. We always promised that no matter who or what happened into our lives that we would never lose the friendship that took so long to build. These days, there is a major disconnect though and I have come to realize that like the seasons, people and promises change. While he did send me a quick text to wish me a happy birhtday, the conversation was quick. He mentioned how he wanted to say something sarcastic and smart ass about me getting older but wasn’t sure about how I was handling this birthday. To his surprise, I let him know that I was feeling blessed and actually in a good mood today. Then he said something that shocked me. This year for his birthday, he also celebrated with a party and enjoyed himself. All this brings me to the huge light bulb that lit up while talking to him. So many years together, we spent brooding over getting another year older, so many Christmas’ we both spent Bah humbugging. It seems to me that my ex and I brought out the worst in each other. All of a sudden we find ourselves in new relationships, with new people and our demeanor towards things we once felt so sour about have done complete 180’s. How could I have lived so many years of my life so unhappy?  How could I have allowed myself to live so long feeling that way? I guess the simple answer to my question is that everything happens for a reason. I had to go through that first journey, or chapter of my life to bring me to this chapter. Sometimes we have to go through some difficult patches in life so that when we get to the really good stuff, we know how to take hold of it and appreciate it. I know now, that I will not ever allow any one person or thing control how I feel. Life is good. My life is good. And I’m not going to forget that!

Have a wonderful day!

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And the Beat Goes On….

I have made it through yet another year. I can’t believe how fast time has gone by. Last year around this time I was sitting around wallowing in self pity over getting ready to turn another year older. It would be so easy to sit around and do the same thing this year, and even though I have gotten more consistent with the wrinkle creams and DIY home remedies for anti-aging skin care, I have decided to take the advice of my good friend and embrace the fact that I have made it yet another year. God has blessed me with another wonderful day of love, happiness and health. I really can’t ask for much more than that! Right?

It’s inevitable that we are all going to get older. It is just a part of the circle of life, we may as well take it with a grain of salt and do it gracefully. That doesn’t mean that I am going to stop doing my part to help the process along with ease! 🙂 This year instead of concealing the fact that I am rounding another year, I will celebrate it and feel blessed! Of course a fresh new hair cut won’t hurt!

Hope everyone has a terrific day! Be blessed!

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Personal Growth

Truth be told, I have to say I am a little bit disappointed in myself lately. Somewhere along the line, I allowed myself to get unmotivated. Now, I’m going to have to push myself, and if planning a wedding isn’t enough motivation, I’m not sure what is. I keep hearing…”It’s a year away. You have plenty of time.” But fact of the matter is, there is so much involved in the planning process. A year really isn’t much time. There are so many things to consider. So many details that have to be thought out. In order to make this day a memorable one, I am going to have to get busy now.

One of the most important details that I need to start working on is myself. It’s no secret that I have not been happy with my weight or appearance for a very long time now. Instead of using that as my fuel to kick myself into high gear, I have let it defeat me. I allowed myself to sit and think and feel sorry for myself, only proving that this does no one any good. It makes me moody, it makes everyone around me moody. I don’t know where along the line I let myself think that I was weak. There was a time when working out was a priority. I couldn’t get through a day without some form of physical activity. I need to find that part of me again, and push myself. I have a lot to work for. Soon enough I will be trying on dresses and there is nothing worse than finding that perfect dress and knowing you will not look good in it.

So the journey begins. A year until the wedding, a lifetime of better health and the satisfaction of knowing that I worked super hard to accomplish the goals that I am setting for myself. It may mean having to put a few things on the back burner, but I suppose that is all a part of life. Tackling the things you can when you can. It’s all a part of the journey.

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