Just Sad…..

I guess the fact of the matter is, I am sad. I feel broken. I pray constantly. God is probably tired of hearing me call on him. I’m so torn and conflicted by the things that are racing through my mind at all hours of the day and night. I don’t sleep. My mind stays running, like I wish I would have done that night. I wish I would have just left. There is no easy fix. There are no right answers. I always thought that if someone hurt you enough, it would be a piece of cake to just turn around and walk away. So God, I ask you, why? why am I sitting here wishing, wanting? Hoping. I should be furious. I should be hateful. I should be angry. Instead, I’m just sad. Nothing makes sense. And I don’t know what bugs me most? Is it having to go home and knowing I will be walking into an empty house? Is it looking around at the home we have made for the last seven years and wondering, where the hell did it all go wrong? Is it not knowing how he is feeling and knowing that I am feeling an immense pain of loss and loneliness? There are so many questions that I need answered. I just don’t know where to find those answers. And who’s to say that if I do find those answers that it is going to give me any resolve. No one knows or understands how I am feeing. I can’t get those pictures out of my head. I try, but they are embedded in there.

I can’t stop wondering at what point did my life really start to fall apart? I feel like deep down I know when it was. I could see the changes. I could feel them. I just didn’t want to admit it. Maybe it was my fault. Even though I felt like I was making a conscious effort to do better… I felt like I was trying and he just quit. I’ve said it before. No one is perfect. Even though he seemed to think that I thought I was better than every one else, I never really felt that way about myself. Maybe I had to give off that vibe in order for me to feel better about myself. I know there are things wrong with me. I know I’m not perfect. But I also know that I love him like I have loved no other. I can admit that I have always been afraid of losing him. Even in the very beginning. That’s how I knew that I had really found a real love, and in the pit of my stomach, I was waiting for karma to step in and take it all away from me, for the poor choices I have made in life. It all comes back around. I know this. I guess I had always been waiting for it. I thought maybe I had somehow managed to escape its cruel punishment, but no. Karma found me. And karma got me good.

Everybody keeps saying that I can’t expect things to get better right away. I’m going to feel like this for awhile, but somethings got to give. I shouldn’t, but I miss… Maybe I shouldn’t even finish that sentence. He was my soul mate. He was my true love, even if I wasn’t really his….. As different as we are, I pictured my life with him… to the end. Maybe that was foolish. For me to think that with such an age difference and so many other things stacked against us that we really could have pulled it off. Maybe. Maybe I needed to try harder. Maybe I’ll just never know…. IMG_0394

Maybe I’ll figure it out. Maybe I’m not meant to. In the meantime, I have to just remember to breathe.

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So Much for My Happy Ending…

Marriage is hard. Life is hard. It takes a lot of work to be able to get through both. Some people are willing to do the work, some people are just ready and willing to give up. I won’t lie, we didn’t have the perfect relationship. We never did. The reality of it is that we   probably never would have. Nothing in life is perfect. No one person in life is perfect. I am definitely not a model for any such creature. I try to admit my faults as hard as that can be sometimes. I know I’m not an easy person to live with, or be married too and probably not always the easiest person to love. I have been broken for a long time now. In the process of trying to fix myself, trying to be a better wife, trying to be a better person, I lost the one thing I was fighting for. Somewhere along the line, he became unhappy and he stopped loving me. I don’t know when it happened. Maybe he never really loved me at all. I look back at pictures and really looking at them now, I see the sadness in his eyes that I wanted to take away from him. Instead, I just gave him more heartache, and instead of being open and honest with me, he kept it hidden. Deep down inside so that every so often, it would all boil over. I made excuses, “Every couple fights, this is normal. Everyone has bad days.” But little did I know that he was living a lifetime of bad days.

I had always asked him, if there ever came a time that he wasn’t happy, to just be open and honest with me. If he didn’t want to be with me anymore then say so and let me go. I thought that we should owe each other at least that much. Before anyone started cheating or just being completely miserable, we had to be open and honest with each other. And he always promised me that he would. Now I just feel like he lied. My mind is such a pool of mush right now. I can’t keep my thoughts straight. I feel like the hole in my heart is just going to swallow me whole. I thought that I had finally found the one person who could make me complete. The missing piece that would fill my heart. He was my forever. Even though we had our bumps in the road, I always thought we would be able to get over them. I always thought that there was nothing so bad that we couldn’t over come. We had plans for the future. How can you look someone in the eye and tell them that you love them and act like you can’t wait to see what the future brings, and be so miserable on the inside.

Right now, the immense pain I feel can’t be comprehended. No one can know the hurt that I am feeling. I want to be angry. I want to hate him, but I can’t. Which makes it even worse, because this proves to me that I really truly love him. I know there is no turning back from this point. You can’t make someone love you. Not someone that has so much hatred and anger towards you. There’s no sense in trying.

Everyone always says, “I wish I would have done things different.” Looking back right now, I know I can’t change things. I just wish that I could take this pain away. I’ve lost my lover, I’ve lost my best friend, and that’s probably the worst part of it all. I never dreamed that the one that could always make me laugh and smile, could hurt me this way. I never dreamed that he could ever break my heart. But here I sit, sad. tormented, distraught. Empty.

Where do I go from here?

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….And so it goes….

Life that is. It’s funny when you think about it. You always assume your life is going to work out one way and then one day it doesn’t. I thought I knew better than to count on anything. Somewhere along the way I let stupid in and lost myself. It’s the same old story. Girl meets boy. Girl loses all sense of self. Only problem is, this time, girl grew up quicker than boy. It probably happens in most cases but now it’s different. Things are different. What I once thought was my forever is fading. It’s fading so fast that it’s all a blur. Every time we fight, I lose a little piece of us. A piece of my heart that was once reserved for us forever is no more. Things will never be the same. I don’t know if it’s just been one argument too many, or too many hurtful things said, or not enough change to fix the problem. Maybe it’s the “I didn’t realize there was even a problem.” I have been living blindly … oblivious, unaware that my supposed other half was unhappy. Funny how that works. We once had such an open communication in our relationship. Or at least I thought we did. I guess that was the trick to it working out. I thought we were happy, unbeknownst to me that he was having all sorts of issues. He was letting them all bubble up deep down inside. And not for nothing but I guess subconsciously I have also been keeping things to myself. Maybe it’s the selfish me. Maybe the it’s controlling me… since I seem to be both of those. I’m not sure what hurts the most, hearing those things, or finally just admitting that I probably am… and it’s time to move on. I’m getting older. I don’t have time for games. I don’t want to play them. I wanted to find my forever person. But as time goes on, I am starting to realize that he doesn’t exist. I guess this is enough for now. I’m sure tomorrow will bring on a whole other slew of emotions to write about… so until then…. Goodnight….

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Taking One For the Team

Good morning bloggers! It has been a while since I last posted. The last year has been an incredibly busy one. I started working again. Only to find that I am not cut out for this job. It once seemed like a good idea. It once seemed like a passion of mine, but a few years later and a few years to grow and I have realized that I was not cut from the “educators” mold. While I have enjoyed the last few months, I do not think I will be returning next year. The school year has also been incredibly busy with graduation soon approaching and my fortuitous luck to be the parent of a graduating senior of the class of 2014. It’s funny, we wait all their lives for them to be 18 and for this wonderful momentous day to arrive but then when it really does get here, we start to stress and we start to feel the pressure of having a young adult upon us. If I can just give you one piece of advice, if you have children, start saving now because senior year will sneak up on you and rip your bank account in two. If I had better prepared myself for this one single year, I might not be so stressed at this point.

But I digress, and life goes on. I have a few more days of the stress of graduation to deal with not to mention to flowing of family that will be making its way to my neck of the woods, when my mother decides to drop a bomb on me so huge that it could wipe out the southern hemisphere. Ok, so that could be reaching a little into the over dramatic, but none the less, the bomb was dropped. After 40 years of marriage, my mom wants to leave my father. I can’t say that I am at all surprised. I mean, this isn’t something that I never saw coming. My mom had not been happy in their marriage for a very long time. There was actually a time when I had begged and pleaded with my mom to leave him. So there is a history. Do I fault my mother for finally coming to the realization that she deserves to have a life? No, I can’t say that I do. For too many years, I tried to make her understand that she was either going to have to let go of the past or let go of the life that she had grown so accustomed to. It was never easy for her. I spent a lot of time growing up trying to understand her. I also spent a lot of time hating my father, and then later trying to rebuild a relationship with him thinking that things could change and we could be a regular family. Unfortunately, it seems that you can not teach an old dog new tricks. Maybe this is just the way it’s supposed to be. I keep thinking to myself, why couldn’t she have just left when we were kids. It might have been easier. I can’t understand why I feel like it’s worse now to know that my family is breaking up. Is it possible that it is harder to understand when we are older? And why is it that my mom thinks that I will be ok. She’s more worried for my brother and how he will deal with it, but knows that I will handle it and “be ok”. Really mom? I guess all my years of burying my feelings way down deep has paid off so that the rest of the world just believes that I don’t feel anything anymore. Maybe that’s why my kids think they can be brutally honest with me and not think twice about hurting my feelings because hey! Mom doesn’t have any.

I feel like I am in a no win situation here. I will have to buck up and put on my big girl panties and try not to break down for just one more week. And that week will turn into a month, and then a year. I will just bottle up my feelings and carry on.

Hope everyone has a wonderful week!

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Plight of the 17 Year Old

Some days I think to myself, how did I ever make it this far? I have to ask my mom how she ever managed to get through my formidable “wonder” years. As I recall, I didn’t think I had such a bad time. I went through the occasional break up, the really big fight with my best friend, and the drop in my school work as I was crushing over the newest guy. All in all, it seemed like a normal path for any regular teenager growing up in the 90’s.

Fast forward a few years. I am now the mother and my daughter is the teenager. On the one hand I feel pretty blessed because we have such an open relationship, she feels like she can trust me with anything. We can sit and dish about things going on in her life and she doesn’t feel like she has to be sneaking around to do things. I feel that I can trust her to have good judgment, the way my parents did with me. Though I didn’t always make the right choices, I made them where it counted. I see a lot of myself in my daughter. This is where the conflict begins. All her life, she has always been told that she is a mirror image of me. Maybe as a child, we resembled each other, but as the years have passed, we no longer share too many of the same characteristics. Still, people never fail to say “Wow! You look just like your mom!” A phrase that she has grown to hate. What’s even worse is that the similarities don’t stop there. As much as she hates to hear it, her attitude resembles mine in so many ways it is scary.

This is why it is so hard for me to understand her reasoning sometimes. She thinks that I tell her things to keep her from enjoying herself or to shelter her from the outside world but in reality all I am trying to do is offer my advice on my own personal experiences. I guess at 17 I was the same and thought I knew everything. You would be hard pressed to try and tell me anything because I had all the answers. I guess that is where I have to learn to take a step back and let her find out for herself. It isn’t always easy being a parent. We want our kids to grow up independent and wise to the dangers of the world but we also want to keep them from making the same mistakes we once made ourselves.

When I look back on my relationship with my own mom, I remember having those head butting moments when I would stomp off to my bedroom and slam my door. That is until my mom got wise and had my door removed to teach me a lesson. It worked! When my daughter and I have a disagreement, she does the same thing, she walks away, muttering something under her breath, because like me she always has to have the last word, then slams the door shut as that one final shot. Sometimes I smile, remembering my own stubborn ways. Sometimes I want to run to my own room and slam my door but then I remember that I’m the mom and stooping to that level is pretty much unacceptable. I try really hard to remember how hard it can be to be 17. I force myself to remember everything that I went through and I take a deep breath. As hard as it seems to raise a teenager in this day and age, I feel like I have done a pretty good job. Next year she’ll be starting college and she may or may not choose to live away from us. I hope she’ll still feel the need to sit down and talk with her old mom. I know that as the years go on, she’ll realize that I knew what I was talking about and she’ll learn the humble words “You were right”. It will take some time, but she’ll get there. In the meantime, I will deal with the plight of the 17 year old and remember, I was 17 once too!

Thanks for reading!

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Attack of the Insomnia

I sometimes struggle with a little thing called insomnia. I have not quite figured out what the cause of my insomnia is. It seems to strike at random times. Sometimes I am stressed, but sometimes things seem just as normal as can be. But I when I get into bed, and turn the light off, I lay there, eyes wide open, tossing and turning to find a comfortable spot. Fighting with the sheets, am I hot? Am I cold? Nothing seems to make sense. I can’t shut my mind off. I’ve tried all sorts of methods to help me sleep, and they sometimes work for awhile, but the novelty always wears off and I find myself back to square one, looking out into the darkness of my room. Sometimes it only last a short while, sometimes it can last into the wee hours of the night. It makes it hard to wake up spry and cheery and ready to take on the day when you feel as though you have only gotten but a few minutes of shut eye.

As it were, I will try to complete the tasks of the day and do so without biting anyone’s head off. Just a little insomniac humor. 🙂

Hope everyone has a terrific Tuesday!

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Onward and Upward….

So I reached another small milestone today. I turned another year older and like I said, I wasn’t going to sit around and wallow in my self pity over having to go through a process that no matter how we try to stifle, is going to happen. I came to a rather sad realization today though that got me to thinking. I spoke with my ex husband, not a ritual I engage much these days. As our lives have grown in different directions, we have finally become the stereo-typical dvorced couple that now only communicates with each other when it comes to dealing with our children. For the general public that probably seems like a normal reaction to being divorced, but to know us, you would think otherwise. After my divorce, my ex and I remained close, even living together for nearly five years. We still did everything together, probably confusing people for the most part. For whatever reason, the situation worked for us at the time. We always promised that no matter who or what happened into our lives that we would never lose the friendship that took so long to build. These days, there is a major disconnect though and I have come to realize that like the seasons, people and promises change. While he did send me a quick text to wish me a happy birhtday, the conversation was quick. He mentioned how he wanted to say something sarcastic and smart ass about me getting older but wasn’t sure about how I was handling this birthday. To his surprise, I let him know that I was feeling blessed and actually in a good mood today. Then he said something that shocked me. This year for his birthday, he also celebrated with a party and enjoyed himself. All this brings me to the huge light bulb that lit up while talking to him. So many years together, we spent brooding over getting another year older, so many Christmas’ we both spent Bah humbugging. It seems to me that my ex and I brought out the worst in each other. All of a sudden we find ourselves in new relationships, with new people and our demeanor towards things we once felt so sour about have done complete 180’s. How could I have lived so many years of my life so unhappy?  How could I have allowed myself to live so long feeling that way? I guess the simple answer to my question is that everything happens for a reason. I had to go through that first journey, or chapter of my life to bring me to this chapter. Sometimes we have to go through some difficult patches in life so that when we get to the really good stuff, we know how to take hold of it and appreciate it. I know now, that I will not ever allow any one person or thing control how I feel. Life is good. My life is good. And I’m not going to forget that!

Have a wonderful day!

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