Marriage is hard. Life is hard. It takes a lot of work to be able to get through both. Some people are willing to do the work, some people are just ready and willing to give up. I won’t lie, we didn’t have the perfect relationship. We never did. The reality of it is that we probably never would have. Nothing in life is perfect. No one person in life is perfect. I am definitely not a model for any such creature. I try to admit my faults as hard as that can be sometimes. I know I’m not an easy person to live with, or be married too and probably not always the easiest person to love. I have been broken for a long time now. In the process of trying to fix myself, trying to be a better wife, trying to be a better person, I lost the one thing I was fighting for. Somewhere along the line, he became unhappy and he stopped loving me. I don’t know when it happened. Maybe he never really loved me at all. I look back at pictures and really looking at them now, I see the sadness in his eyes that I wanted to take away from him. Instead, I just gave him more heartache, and instead of being open and honest with me, he kept it hidden. Deep down inside so that every so often, it would all boil over. I made excuses, “Every couple fights, this is normal. Everyone has bad days.” But little did I know that he was living a lifetime of bad days.
I had always asked him, if there ever came a time that he wasn’t happy, to just be open and honest with me. If he didn’t want to be with me anymore then say so and let me go. I thought that we should owe each other at least that much. Before anyone started cheating or just being completely miserable, we had to be open and honest with each other. And he always promised me that he would. Now I just feel like he lied. My mind is such a pool of mush right now. I can’t keep my thoughts straight. I feel like the hole in my heart is just going to swallow me whole. I thought that I had finally found the one person who could make me complete. The missing piece that would fill my heart. He was my forever. Even though we had our bumps in the road, I always thought we would be able to get over them. I always thought that there was nothing so bad that we couldn’t over come. We had plans for the future. How can you look someone in the eye and tell them that you love them and act like you can’t wait to see what the future brings, and be so miserable on the inside.
Right now, the immense pain I feel can’t be comprehended. No one can know the hurt that I am feeling. I want to be angry. I want to hate him, but I can’t. Which makes it even worse, because this proves to me that I really truly love him. I know there is no turning back from this point. You can’t make someone love you. Not someone that has so much hatred and anger towards you. There’s no sense in trying.
Everyone always says, “I wish I would have done things different.” Looking back right now, I know I can’t change things. I just wish that I could take this pain away. I’ve lost my lover, I’ve lost my best friend, and that’s probably the worst part of it all. I never dreamed that the one that could always make me laugh and smile, could hurt me this way. I never dreamed that he could ever break my heart. But here I sit, sad. tormented, distraught. Empty.
Where do I go from here?